The Right Write Rite

Mistake. She'd said it. She was drunk, sure, but damn. Telling your only son - the son who was pushed around in school and hated by everyone since kindergarten up all because he'd flicked boogers at the others kids which wasn't fair at all because they flicked boogers back at him - that was harsh of her.

Of course, he'd always suspected it, that he was a "mistake," an unplanned pregnancy - he knew because of the way she always flicked him off whenever he asked her a question. That really gave it away. Well, Mr. Name-it-fuck-all-for-all-I-care Washington had showed her didn't he? He started by shortening his name to Ned, though his Ma still usually used his real name, shortening it to just Fucker. Sometimes she would be affectionate and call him "Lil' Fuck" and then give him a punch on the arm, but it was a nice, loving little punch and the bruise that it left always made Ned smile for days after when he would look at it and say "Lil' Fuck" to himself followed by a short laugh. She wasn't so bad sometimes.

Ned lit a cigarette and stared at the passing people. Yessir, ol Ned was gonna show her up, anyways. Ned here's gonna make a cool two million bucks - two million! That's like twenty times as much dough as she had made in 'er entire life. And all HE had to do was watch for any passin' cops and then "create a diversion" when he heard the sirens. "Create a diversion." What a load. That was that guy Burke's phrase. What'e really meant was throw a fuckin' brick through a window and pop some rounds up into the air.

Two million bucks. Ned puffed on his cigarette and thought about it. Let's see, if Ma's fifty-two and she's been workin at Slippery Sam's Striptease now for thirty years... that's two K a month times twelve months... fuckall. Ned clenched his cigarette between his teeth and pulled out an old lottery ticket and a tiny pencil he had swiped from the bowling alley and started adding the numbers again. Let's see two times thirty and carry the--fuck! In the distance he heard police sirens. Create a diversion. Right. Burke had told Ned he was on guard duty because Burke couldn't put his best man in danger. He said that, really, he did: his best man. How ya like dem apples Ma? His "best man." Shit. Damn right. The sirens grew louder. Oh yeah. Right. Diversion. Chuck a fuckin brick through the window of the bank across the street so's the cops are all confused. Who the fuck thought of that plan anyways? This Mr. Burke guy was prolly one of the booger-flickers that Ned had forgotten about.

Whatever, he'd do it. Chuck the brick, fire off some shots - maybe he'd pop one of those fat ass broads who always called him a perv for leering at their big titties - just for target practice. And then he'd pretend to save some hot chick with a great ass from some bullshit danger and she'd be so grateful that she'd try and take him home and screw him right there on the rug and in her passion she'd tell him she's in love with him and that she'd follow 'im around forever but he'd have to tell her naw, that he didn't want any kind of commitment like that and 'sides he didn't even want to screw a hot ass chick like her anyways because he just met her and she probably had all kinds of diseases if she wanted to screw after just meeting some guy. He'd probably do it anyways, just double-bag that junk. Then he'd disappear forever and she'd spend the rest of forever searching for him, but he'd already have his two million bucks in his pocket and be living it up somewhere warm and exotic with all kinds of hot-ass disease-free chicks all over him who just wanted to--

Fuck! The police were already here and rushing into the bank. Ned ran across the street and picked up the brick he'd placed there earlier and chucked it into the window which was bulletproof and didn't break anyhow, then pulled out his gun and fired off a couple of shots into the sky just as the cops were coming out of the bank with Mr. Burke and the other boys in handcuffs. They all took cover and fired at Ned.

He lay in a pool of his own blood and told himself that he was just gonna stay there long enough to make 'em think that he was dead, then he was gonna jump up and pull out another pistol and take out all the cops, blam, blam, blam, one after the other and Mr. Burke'd be so happy that he'd give Ned four million instead of two and they'd ride out of town and to a warm place with lots of hot-ass disease free chicks. But Ned wouldn't be done - He'd go back home and give his Ma a full million dollars even though she'd told him he was a mistake and she'd be so happy and say she had always loved him she just didn't know how to say it and that she was really very sorry that she'd named him "Fuck-all-for-all-I-care" and they'd hug for the first time ever, but Ned would have to say goodbye and he'd ride off in his Lamborghini with his mother in tears on the front porch.

A police officer checked Ned's pulse then took off his coat and placed it over his face.